Colton's First Christmas

Christmas 2008 was wonderful. The food, fun, and gifts never seemed to stop since it was spread out over three days: we spent Christmas Day at my in-laws', then went to Gregg's aunt & uncle's on his mom's side the next night for their festivities, and finally spent Saturday afternoon visiting with my family at my mom & stepdad's. Santa was very good to Colton. He got lots of new toys, books, and clothes. Of course, this year we had to unwrap the presents for him, but next Christmas he'll be 16 months and really into tearing off wrapping paper to reveal whatever treasure lies inside. Here are some pictures!















Colton in the new walker his grandparents gave him, waiting to open yet another present















Colton gets a hand from Curious George















Gregg with his new toy

Daddy helping Colton open another present

Colton with my dad

Colton and I with our red and green

With my mom

Getting some love from my sister

Us by the Christmas tree

Only 1 More Sleep 'Til Christmas

In less than 24 hours, Christmas Day will be here! The three of us are heading over to Gregg's parents' tomorrow around noon for present opening and dinner. I'm looking forward to spending time with family, eating yummy food, and exchanging gifts. I'm excited to see what Colton gets, too. Today I'll be wrapping presents and doing some house work so I don't have to be bothered tomorrow morning. We're not doing anything big or fancy this evening; just attending our church's Christmas Eve service and having dinner by ourselves at home.

Here's a picture of Colton with Santa that was taken on Saturday at Gregg's aunt & uncle's annual holiday shin dig. He was pretty indifferent to the man in the big red suit. I thought he was going to burst into tears.

Have a very Merry Christmas, everyone! I leave you with some pictures of extra cuteness. Colton is grabbing a hold of everything these days, which makes diaper changing especially difficult now!















"I'm gonna get you, frog!"















"Gotcha!"

One Year Ago Today

I found out I was pregnant with Colton. I had been feeling "off" for a few days leading up to the discovery. All of my symptoms pointed to pregnancy, but I brushed them off. Until I was five days late and couldn't ignore them anymore. On one of our last minute runs to Walmart for Christmas, we also picked up a HPT. My heart was pounding as I took the test, and three minutes later we had our result: Pregnant.

I remember the next day at my work's Christmas party feeling a flutter of excitement and suddenly being cautious about everything I ate and drank. A test at the doctor's a day later confirmed it. While we thought of the way we should share the news with our families over Christmas, we came up with all sorts of ideas- gift wrapping a countdown timer to my due date, giving planners with August 21 tabbed. But Gregg finally decided that we should simply make up a phony back order notice for a package that was "still in processing", and see whether our parents would figure it out.

We could not wait until the gift exchange began so that we'd be able to reveal that we had an extraordinarily special present. Both grandmas figured it out pretty quickly. My stepfather thought we were sending them on a cruise that left in August. Men.

At this time last year, my due date seemed so far away. I wanted to make sure I did everything right over the next eight months, so that my baby would develop and grow properly. And now, he's four months old already. And he is the best thing that ever happened to me, besides meeting my husband and receiving Christ as my Lord and Savior. My son is seriously the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

On 12/18/07 when I discovered I had this life growing inside me, I couldn't wait to meet our child. I was full of joy and excitement that I can't even begin to describe in words. This December 18, I have the gift of sharing my baby boy's first Christmas with him. Being a witness to every new skill he learns and experiencing such pleasure at his smiles and laughter as he interacts with me. I am humbled that God would choose me to care for Colton while he's on this earth. He is the most precious gift I could have ever received.

HE GOT THE JOB!!!

Praise God! Last night my husband was offered the position with the company he really wanted, and they met his salary expectations. He will actually be making 25% more than he was at his last job. Not only is the salary incredible, but there is a great benefits package including full medical, dental, and vision coverage for the three of us, and a 401K which starts right away.

I am so excited for and proud of Gregg that he will finally be earning what he's worth, and in a position that seems made for him. He'll be doing tech support for Jersey Eagle Sales, a large wholesale beverage distribution center in Jersey City (a hop, skip, and a jump away from NYC). They want him to start on January 5, and they're going to fly him out to Michigan at their headquarters so he can learn all the ins and outs of the business. He'll be there for three days, then fly back to New Jersey and start in their office here on 1/8.

And with his salary requirements met (plus quarterly performance bonuses), that means I won't have to go back to work! I can keep being a stay at home mom, which I'm really excited about!!

I'm so glad we won't have to struggle like we have been recently to make ends meet. The money in our account is almost gone. I guess I thought it would last longer than it did. I do have one more paycheck coming on January 2, for an adoption profile I completed at the end of October. It wasn't signed off on by the county by November 30, so it wasn't included in my December check. So we'll have to make our money stretch a bit further for a little while until Gregg gets his first paycheck, but we'll be okay.

God is so good. He has totally blessed and provided for our move back here. Now we have even one more reason to celebrate this Christmas!

O Christmas Tree

We finally decorated the tree yesterday! Better late than never. I set to work fanning out the branches while listening to some Christmas tunes. Then after Gregg put on the lights, I hung the ornaments and wrapped the tree skirt around the base. I couldn't find all of our ornaments out in the garage, so I used what was available and ended up with a very simple yet classic tree. Gregg thinks we may have thrown out the box containing most of the ornaments by accident. I'm hoping it's just buried beneath a stack of other boxes we can't get to right now. I would hate to lose all those memories.

Anyway, here's a few pictures:

Colton and Mommy





















My new favorite ornament

What Christmas Is All About

Recently I've been feeling sorry for myself that, because of our current financial situation, I can't afford to buy Colton a whole bunch of cute outfits and toys for Christmas. Not that he would even know the difference, but as a parent I want to be able to give my child nice things. Yesterday while perusing several of my favorite blogs, I stumbled across this blog, by a young mother whose son went to be with Jesus just sixteen minutes after he was born. It changed my whole perspective on everything.

While I'm not able (right now) to give my baby boy the material things I would like, I still have him here with me. I still get to see and kiss his sweet face every day. Take in his sweet baby smell. I get to witness his smiles and giggles that make my heart melt.

This mom won't ever be able to hold her son again. Her posts moved me to tears, and suddenly the burdens that I'm facing faded away. I can't even imagine the depth of grief she's experiencing.

In this moment, I feel incredibly blessed. I don't think I'll ever take one minute with my family for granted again. I'm so grateful God has given me a beautiful, healthy son and wonderful husband. I'm also grateful for the recent interviews Gregg has gone on, which I'm thinking one at least will certainly turn out fruitful. Gregg received a phone call back today from the VP of a company he interviewed with last Thursday, saying he wants him to meet tonight with the owners who are in town for only a few days. It looks really good for him to get this job, and this is the one at the top of his list too.

Saturday we were able to spend some money to purchase Christmas gifts for our families. We had agreed beforehand with Gregg's brother and sister that all of us buy just one gift for each family, which is a huge cost savings since his sister has four kids! We ended up getting my sister-in-law's family a game for their Wii and my brother-in-law's an outdoor activity set that our 18 month old niece will mostly enjoy. I bought an Italian food cookbook for my sister, and we went with the photos of Colton for our parents and Gregg's grandfather. We actually used pictures we already had and edited them in Picasa. We then ordered a bunch through Snapfish for only $3.40!

I feel really good about our inexpensive purchases, and I'm looking forward to giving them on the 25th. Giving and receiving pricey, elaborate gifts is not what Christmas is all about anyway. We should be focusing on the birth of our Savior, who was and is the best present we could ever receive.

4 Months!

Happy 4 Month Birthday, Colton!!




















Boy, growing older sure is exhausting. :)

13 Days and Counting

Still no closer to decorating for Christmas, but we have decided to do photos of Colton for family members this year. I think we'll try to play photographer and shoot some professional looking pics of him ourselves. Hope they turn out decent.

Thank you all for your kind words and prayers. Yesterday's interview at Budwiser went very well. Gregg should hear something by Tuesday. While I was at the mall, he lined up two more interviews with different companies. He left at 6:00 this morning to catch a bus into Manhattan for his first one of the day, and then he has another in Jersey this afternoon. We are hoping something comes through really soon!

Colton and I had a great time at the mall yesterday. He was a good sport about being pushed around in and out of stores with Mommy. Since I have no money, I didn't buy anything of course, but it was still fun to look. I saw these super cute onesies on sale at Baby Gap, and was so tempted to get them. But I refrained. Hopefully soon we won't have to worry about dropping a few dollars on such a frivilous item.

It was really good to spend some time with Laura. We swapped C-section stories, chatted about our kids, and just caught up on the past three years that I've been away. Since her girls are 3 1/2 and 1, she's able to offer a lot of advice on parenting. All of our friends who got married around the same time as us have kids now. It will be great for Colton to play with them when he gets a little older.

And now for some pictures!

Sticking his thumb in his mouth, one of his favorite things to do now














Chilling out with Daddy, watching tv

2 More Weeks Until Christmas...

I realized this very thing last night, and began to panic a little knowing that we haven't bought a single present for anyone in our family, haven't decorated the tree, haven't baked any cookies, etc. It's a little difficult to get into the Christmas spirit when you are surrounded by boxes everywhere, in various stages of being opened. Moving the day after Thanksgiving when we would normally be picking out and ornamenting our tree, along with getting a jump on gift buying, puts us way behind the 8-ball this year.

We did manage to set up the fake tree in the living room the other night, but that's as far as we got. It's not even our own fake tree. Jim & Laura had an extra one down in the basement that they said we could use. We didn't get the boxes of ornaments and lights out of the garage yet. Sigh. I think we're just going to scatter a few ornaments here and there, throw the tree skirt on, and call it done.

We plan to go Christmas shopping this weekend, but have no idea what to get anyone. Because finances are extremely tight right now, it won't be elaborate. I was thinking of just giving a framed picture of the baby to everybody. Simple, yet thoughtful. I think our version of Christmas will have to be stripped down from years past. For the sake of our budget and our sanity. Every year we run around like chickens with our heads cut off tyring to find the perfect gift for everybody, and end up getting crappy gifts from some people in return. It's ridiculous.

We already know we won't be able to top last year when we announced I was pregnant. At least we won't have to travel, which I'm happy about. I'm still glad we moved here and are close to family. These last few days though, I started to wonder "what in the world were we thinking?", watching the funds depleting from our bank account and my husband still not finding a job yet. He has an interview this morning and another one tomorrow, for jobs that look pretty promising. The one this morning is at a Budwiser distribution plant. Gregg would oversee a lot of the IT components for the plant. He joked that he'll get to take home free beer, which is funny because neither one of us drinks all that much. I think my limit is one drink per year!

Colton is doing much better. He's still a little congested and his right eye runny at times, but he's pretty much back to his normal self. For the past two nights, he has been sleeping in his crib again and not waking up with that awful, scared-sounding scream that jolted me out of bed at least two or three times per night. The Vicks Vaporizer and saline drops worked their magic. He had gotten out of his normal routine while being sick, since I let him sleep whenever he wanted to make up for all the times he woke up overnight. We are going to hang out at the mall this afternoon with Laura and her two little girls. Should be fun just to get out of the house for once!

Celebrate Me Home

This past year has sure brought its fair share of joys and woes. Joy at the birth of our son; woe at losing yet another church and another job, and feeling utterly confused at the direction God wanted us to take. With all the options before us, we finally decided to just move back to New Jersey. It seemed ridiculous, and also so sensical at the same time. Yes, Jersey is still about ten times more expensive than practically anywhere else in the country. And yes, it is the place we were so desperate to leave three years ago. I don't think we really knew what we were leaving behind though. It is also the place where we actually have roots. It's where we grew up, met, fell in love, and got married. Our parents are there. We had the opportunity to be a part of some incredible ministries, too. We figured it was the best thing for us and Colton to be close to family again and attend a church where we're plugged in. The job opportunities are also much, much better and pay more.

So I turned in my two week notice at work, we started packing boxes, rented a moving truck, and Gregg began sending out resumes to companies all over Northern NJ and NYC. He contacted a buddy of his to find out if he knew anywhere to rent that wouldn't break the bank. It ended up that friends of ours who got married the same year as us just happened to have an empty house they said we could live in until we found something more permanent. On Thanksgiving, Gregg's parents drove down to PA after having dinner at his aunt's to help us move.

Bright and early the next morning, we were loading the truck, packing the rest of our stuff, and cleaning. We had to tow the minivan on a dolly behind the truck, unfortunately, because on his way home from putting gas in it the night before, Gregg lost the brakes. It was a really good thing it happened then, instead of sometime on the way to NJ when I would have been driving it with Colton in the back seat. We got the van fixed that Saturday, which set us back about $300. Ugh. When we arrived nearly four hours later, our friend Jim who owns the house we're staying at came to help us move in. We discovered that he and his wife Laura had also bought us groceries and left some money on the counter for whatever else we might need! Gregg and I were just overwhelmed at their generosity.

On Sunday we went back to the church we had attended before moving to Florida, and it was like we never left. I didn't think people would recognize us after all this time, especially now that we have a baby in tow. But walking down the hallway to the sanctuary, we were instantly flagged down by some people who were having coffee in the fellowship hall. Throughout the morning, a lot more people greeted us and said how glad they were that we were there. An announcement was even made from the pulpit that we were back in town. During worship, I looked over at my husband who had tears in his eyes. He is not an emotional guy, but he was so moved by the fact that everybody remembered us and welcomed us so warmly.

It was truly like coming home. We had been such an integral part of that church- Gregg served on the Tech Team, I taught elementary school-aged girls Bible lessons on Wednesday nights, we were involved in a small group, attended adult Sunday School. It was clear to both of us this past Sunday that we had been missed and touched many people's lives. I had really missed our worship experience at GPBC. The people were always so genuine and spirit-filled, always looking for a way to help others and pray with them. They also really value family and children. There are so many wonderful programs for kids. I know Colton will have a solid Biblical foundation growing up in this church.

Recently I had been aching to be a part of this kind of fellowship again, with our church search in Chambersburg coming up dry every time. I kept feeling like more and more of an outsider every one we went to. And here we show up at our old church, and within the first five minutes are blown away by the most incredible reception. I joked that next week it's going to be in the bulletin that we're back.

After service, we went by Gregg's parents for Sunday dinner which is always a treat. His mom cooks enough for an army and the food is excellent. I had really missed that, too. I like that Colton will grow up surrounded by family, knowing his grandparents, aunt, uncle, and cousin. Gregg's brother's daughter, Katelyn, was so excited to see "Coltie". My SIL Liz and I hope they grow up being close since they're only 15 months apart.

The one thing missing here is that Gregg hasn't found a job yet. He's had a couple of good leads and one interview already. We figured he can always work at one of the large computer or electronic retailers in the area in the meantime. We have some money in the bank that will last us a little while. The plan is for me to stay at home with Colton, if we can afford to. If I need to go back to work part-time or something, at least Gregg's mom can watch the baby so we don't have to put him in daycare.

It's really good to be back here. I love being a SAHM. I like the fact that I can just call up a girlfriend and get together for a play date. I did have my doubts, because of the high cost of living, and because of the risk we're taking by not having a stable income source right now. We've struggled financially before though, and have always made it through. God has always taken care of us. We could have moved elsewhere for a guaranteed job, but we'd have had to get used to a whole new area, find a new church, and make new friends all over again. I dreaded the idea of starting over, but I was willing to do it if it meant I could stay at home. I would have been so isolated though. Here, I know the lay of the land and there's no awkward learning curve. I already have friends and plenty of activities at the church to get involved in. There's an amazing women's Bible study on Wednesday mornings, with nursery provided, that I would love to join again.

We have already seen such an outpouring of blessings since our move only one week ago. Now we just need Gregg to land a job!! And for Colton to feel like himself again. My poor baby has been sick with a cold since Tuesday night. It's awful watching him suffer. He's waking up two to three times during the night screaming because he can't breathe. We moved the swing into his room so that he can sleep somewhat upright. He doesn't have much of an appetite, and just wants to sleep and be held. I feel so bad for him. I have to keep using the nasal aspirator (or "snot sucker", as my husband calls it) to clean out his tender little nose, and he hates it. He screams like someone is trying to kill him. Colton also has a case of "goopy eye", which seems to be getting better now thankfully.

I've decided to stay home from church tomorrow and take care of him. It wouldn't be fair to bring a sick baby to the nursery, and I don't want to drag him out into the cold when he already feels so yucky. I'm so glad I'm not working right now, because I feel like a zombie. Since Colton started sleeping through the night at two months, I've been spoiled with a full night's rest. Not so much this week. I should really be catching up on sleep right now while my baby sleeps, but instead I'm blogging. Go figure. :)

The Holidays Are Upon Us

It's been FREEZING here the past couple of days and my favorite radio station has switched over to playing all Christmas music all the time. Yes, that most wonderful time of the year is just around the corner.

We're going to skip the family fanfare at least for Thanksgiving and just enjoy a day off, getting up late and watching the parade on tv, then going to Cracker Barrel like we have the past two years. I wasn't much into the holiday spirit, until it snowed this past Friday. Then all of a sudden, I had to start listening to Christmas songs and mentally devising the family gift list. I am excited for our first Christmas with Colton, even though he can't open his own presents yet. I'm sure we'll take a ton of photos in the month of December alone of him by the tree and in his cute little festive outfits.

I know that everyone is going to want to see Colton around Christmas, and while I do want to show him off, I also don't want to drag him all over the world just so that he can be paraded around. He was one crabby baby the weekend we went up to Jersey at the end of October because we kept interrupting nap time to see yet another person. It's going to be hard to stick to a schedule when we visit family for Christmas, but we're going to try our best.

Colton has been adding some new tricks to his bag lately. He is now blowing bubbles and babbling up a storm! It is so cute hearing him carrying on to himself in his crib before I get out of bed in the morning. And he laughs, too. It is hysterical listening to him do it. Usually, it's his dad that gets him going. Colton's face will light up when he sees Gregg, and he is ready for playtime. He now smiles on his own without any prompting from us. It is the best feeling in the world when my baby boy flashes me a toothless grin, for no other reason than he knows I'm his mommy. We've been adding a little bit of rice cereal to his formula the past couple of days, since he was getting hungry in between feedings. He's been doing great with it, and it looks like we may actually be able to eliminate a feeding or two.

He's still sleeping through the night and not waking up until about 6:30 or 7:00. Sometimes he'll wake up in the middle of the night and fuss for a while, but eventually he soothes himself back to sleep. Colton has started imitating me and Gregg, also. If we make certain sounds or stick out our tongues, he does it too! It is amazing how much he processes now. He's such a fun little guy.

Well, I hope you all have a wonderful and happy Thanksgiving!!






Having a good time with Daddy









Trying to eat his hand

3 Months!

Happy 3 Month Birthday, Colton!!
















It seems like just yesterday my sweet baby boy was born. Now he's entered the second quarter of his first year, leaving 0-3 month clothing and #1 diapers behind in the dust. I swear he grows a little more every day.

It's so cool how he interacts more with me and Gregg now. Now Colton is the one initiating smiles and coos, as if trying to get our attention. He keeps bringing his hands up to his mouth and can hold onto a rattle for a little while when we put one into his hand. He has no idea what to do with it yet, though!

I've been looking back at all the photos we've taken so far of Colton and discovered that there are 803 of them. Gee, do you think he's our first?? I can't get over how good he is. He continues to sleep through the night and stick to the schedule we've put him on, with little variation. He is so easy going and happy. It makes me wonder if we'll be so fortunate with our second one. :)

As for a follow up to my downer last post, I am feeling better. I always feel crappier during the week, and work has a lot to do with it. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed there, and trying not to think about the fact that I miss my son. On Wednesday as I was running out the door to go on one of my visits with a kid, I bumped into a foster parent who asked me how Colton was doing and how I was adjusting back to work. I made polite small talk and then nearly lost it once I got into the car. I keep thinking, lots of mothers work. They do this every day with no problem. Why can't I keep it together?

So I don't really think it's postpartum depression so much as feeling torn between my job and my baby. I'm finding my strength in God these days, because I just don't have it in myself. Every time Colton smiles at me and gurgles makes my day a little less burdensome, too.

It's Friday, but Sunday's Coming

It's taken me an entire week to finally getting around to posting pictures of Colton's first Halloween, but here they are. Didn't he make an adorable Eeyore?

Last Friday, we paid a surprise visit to New Jersey to see our families. They really enjoyed seeing Colton in his costume! We stayed through the weekend and left on Sunday afternoon. Colton got to visit with his cousin Katelyn, who is 17 months old. She was so sweet with him, calling him "Coltie" and giving him kisses. While we were up there, we decided to visit also with our friends who just had a baby girl at the end of September.

Here is a picture that Gregg's mom took of us on our last day in NJ. I think we may use it for our Christmas card this year.

It was a very nice trip, but it threw Colton's schedule off so he was pretty cranky most of the time. I enjoyed having time off from work, and it only made me want to stay at home full-time all the more. This past week I really struggled with being there. When I'm at work, I feel crummy that I'm not with my baby, and when I "work from home" I feel badly that I'm not really getting any work done because I need to take care of Colton.

I have just been a wreck lately. I'm not able to concentrate, I get irritated over the least little thing, I feel like crying most of the time. I'm frustrated we haven't found a church yet, unhappy at my job, just unhappy in general. My moods have really been all over the place. I'm starting to wonder if maybe I have post partum depression. I think I'm still reeling from the plunge in hormones that happened right after Colton was born. I go back on bc Sunday, and I'm hoping it makes me a little more stable.

Fall is in the Air

Normally I don't go more than one week without posting, but this past week was crazy busy. On Monday I had an adoption conference to attend in Harrisburg, Tuesday night I had to teach an Independent Living class to a group of foster kids, Wednesday I worked all day on a child profile for a girl who's up for adoption, early Thursday morning one of my clients ran away from his foster home so I had to deal with that the majority of the day, Friday I was catching up on paperwork, and Saturday I taught a parent training class. I am so glad this week is over!! I love weekends, where I can kick back and relax with my family and enjoy doing a whole lot of NOTHING.

I'm loving this cooler weather; when it's just chilly enough outside to need a jacket and there are multicolored leaves scattered about on the ground, crunching under foot. The trees are so beautiful this time of year. It always makes me nostalgic for my childhood days of jumping in leaf piles, going apple & pumpkin picking, and trick or treating. Speaking of Halloween, my mother-in-law made Colton an adorable Eeyore costume! He hasn't worn it yet, so I don't have pictures but I'll post them soon.

Gregg's parents came into town for a quick visit last Sunday after spending the weekend in North Carolina with Gregg's sister and her family. They took us out to Ruby Tuesday's and gave Gregg his birthday gift, since his b-day was on the 9th. They were so amazed at how much bigger Colton had gotten since they saw him last. At their last visit, he was only a week old.

It seems like he daily outgrows his clothes. He is still such a good baby, eating and sleeping wonderfully. We've tried to get him on a schedule, and he's done great with it so far. Although lately, he doesn't go down at nighttime as easily as before. He used to take his last bottle around 7 or 8, I'd do a diaper change and change him into his jammies, and he'd go right down. Now he'll fuss for about twenty minutes after his bottle and want to be rocked a while before he goes to sleep. Last night after his bath, he fussed while I was holding him and eventually dozed off in my arms. I tiptoed up the stairs and put him in the crib. Not five minutes later, he started screaming and wouldn't stop until I fed him another 2 oz. and rocked him in the glider.

What's really cool though, is that Colton didn't wake up until 7 this morning. And he slept until 7am yesterday, too. He knows how much his mama likes her sleep. :) He tries now to put his whole fist in his mouth, and gets frustrated when it won't fit! It's so cute. The other day he giggled for the first time. Gregg was making funny faces and noises at him, and a giggle came out. Colton is also moving around a lot more. Many mornings, I'll find him facing the opposite way of how I placed him in the crib the night before. He is starting to get very active, and very vocal. Sometimes I think he's trying to talk!

We don't have much planned for today. We'll probably stick to our regular Sunday evening routine of eating leftovers in front of the tv and watching football. Then it's back to another week of work. Whoo hoo.

Not.

How Sweet is My Husband

He made a video of our family the other day and put it up on You Tube. I love this man. :)

Small Treasures

So Colton had his appointment with the doctor yesterday, and guess how much he weighs??? A whopping 12 lbs., 10 oz.! No wonder he was beginning to feel so heavy to me. He has also grown to 22 inches long. He got a clean bill of health, and will go back again in December when he's four months old.

I'm going to have to go through his stash of 3-6 month size clothes already and wash a few items, so he has stuff to wear that properly fits him! Before he was born, we divided up all his clothes in quarterly increments and put them away in the nursery closet, with the idea that we'd wash stuff as he needed it. Anything he doesn't get to wear stays in its packaging and gets returned to Babies 'R Us. There are a few packs of onesies from the 0-3 month collection he is probably too big for now. It makes me so emotional to have to put away clothes he's outgrown. I want him to grow up big and strong, and I'm excited to see how he changes and develops, but it's still kinda sad.

I try to treasure every time I hold him, feed him, and yes even change his diaper, because those moments won't last forever. I love staring into his big blue eyes and cuddling with him in the glider or on the couch. I love to watch him sleep and think how peaceful he looks. All these things make me overlook the fact that already this morning, my baby pooped so much I had to use nearly half a box of wipes, threw up all over me and himself necessitating a clothes change, and peed while I was changing him necessitating a second clothes change.

I'm feeling better about the whole moving option. I definitely have a peace about it that I didn't before. I'm excited for this new chapter in our lives. I'm happy that Gregg will have a great job that he feels made for and pays him what he's worth. Most of all, I'm looking forward to being a stay at home mommy!

Hopefully soon I'll have more details on this front, but for now I covet the possibility of things being different. And enjoy the fact that it's FRIDAY!!!

Time for a Colton pic:

2 Months

Colton is two months old today!

He is getting so big already. He's starting to outgrow some of his 0-3 month clothes, and I'm sad about it. I've felt when I go to pick him up that he's noticeably heavier. He has also found his thumb and sucks on it occasionally.

Colton is now sleeping for ten hours overnight, too! He doesn't wake up until 5-5:30am, which is awesome because I still get six or seven hours of sleep before I have to start getting ready for the day. He goes to the pediatrician on Thursday for his two month check up.

This past weekend was pretty good. Saturday the three of us went to the annual Apple Harvest Festival near Gettysburg for a few hours. It was a gorgeous fall day and the fairgrounds were packed with people. Sunday we lounged in bed before getting out to do grocery shopping. That evening we talked on the phone to our families, watched the football game, and ate leftovers for dinner.

I hate when the weekend comes to a close and it's Monday all over again. So far, this week isn't as stressful as last week. Still hectic though. I'd really rather be at home with my little boy than divide my time between him and work. It was hard when I was just pregnant to focus on my job, but now it's even harder. I feel like one thing or the other gets sacrificed. I can't possibly be great at both. I honestly don't want to deal with the frustrating amount of paperwork, rude foster kids, and scatterbrained foster parents anymore.

Gregg and I have talked about how I could become a SAHM since a few months before Colton was born. My husband has been looking for a job that would pay him enough to nearly replace my salary and since there aren't that many high paying positions in this area, let alone IT ones, we will most likely end up moving. I mentioned in a previous post how we're already not too fond of living here. Gregg isn't very happy in his current position either. We both feel he can and should be paid what he deserves, but for as long as I've known him he hasn't been. I keep encouraging him not to settle. He has years and years of experience in this field, and should be recognized for that.

So another job in probably another state is what we're considering. We've even contemplated moving back to New Jersey. I don't know what God's plan is for us. I thought I knew. But after two moves for jobs with ministries that didn't work out, I don't know anymore. I am so confused right now, and desperately seeking the Lord's direction and guidance. I don't feel as if I'm getting a sense of peace about any one direction. I hate feeling this unsettled and unsure.

Another thing I'm struggling with too, is that we still haven't found a church to call home. This area is saturated with churches, but they're all so... lifeless. There's no passion. I want to be inspired and challenged. I want to be moved. I will not settle for a spiritually ho-hum life. I won't for myself and for my children. That's another huge reason to move also.

I want us to make the best decision possible for our family and future, so I'm open to whatever door God wants us to walk through. But- even though we don't want to stay in this place long term and it's best that we relocate, I've still become attached to it. And the thought of moving and starting over for the third time in almost three years just overwhelms me. How many times can we do this???

These are the thoughts that have been running through my head for the past several weeks. I continue to pray that God points us in the right direction.

Getting Real

This past week has been stressful. Trying to juggle the demands of motherhood, work, and everything else had me pretty worn down by yesterday. Early this morning before the sun came up, while I was feeding Colton, I just got real with God and started praying. And I did some crying too. I ended up having a pretty good day. I definitely feel less overwhelmed.

I realized I have to put in more time at the office than I have been, simply because I can't get much done at home while trying to take care of a baby. I have to drop what I'm doing to feed him, change him, rock him, etc. I love being with my little boy, but for the sake of my sanity I need to be in a place where I can actually accomplish something. I barely made it into the agency this past week, even with getting up about 5 o'clock every morning. I was seriously worried my supervisor was going to say something about it to me today, but he didn't. He was very understanding, and said I just need to figure out what works best for me.

Right. Easier said than done.

Warning: this paragraph contains a lot of TMI- This morning I had my post partum appointment with my doctor. It was supposed to be a six week follow up, but she couldn't see me until today. Dr. Brown is fabulous. I am SO glad she was the one who performed my C-section. She held Colton for a while and exclaimed how big he's getting. She said my incision is healing very nicely and the redness should go away sometime within the next year. My uterus has almost shrunk back down to its original size. My weight is still hovering around twenty pounds more than what I weighed at the beginning of my pregnancy. Bleh. Time for a diet. Dr. Brown gave me a prescription for bc, which I can start taking after I get my next period.

Before we left, she had me sign Colton's name and birth date on a large quilt which she has all the women she delivers sign. She said she had to start another one because the first is completely full of names! I don't have to come back now for another year when I'm due for my annual exam.

I'm realizing that I am still very much dealing with adjusting to having a baby. I know that seems pretty obvious, but it hit me last night that's why I'm so stressed out and a little depressed. It's okay though. Having a new baby is an adjustment. I think I was beating myself up for not being happy every single moment of the day. I do love being a mom. I am absolutely in love with my son, and can't imagine life without him. But he has radically altered my entire world.

I am so glad it's the weekend! I love days off. Time just to spend with my husband and baby. :)

My homey "C"

One Week Down...

Well, I survived my first week back at work. It was difficult, but not as bad as I thought it would be. I still cried a little every day. It helped that it went by pretty fast though. I prayed every day just to get through, and God listened. :) I was so happy to come home each afternoon after a visit and see my baby boy again! Every morning and night during the week we'd have cuddle time, and each evening after dinner, I'd hold him in my arms while he drifted off to sleep.

Yesterday actually marked the one year anniversary since I started at my job. It's weird to think that I spent the majority of this past year pregnant and planning for a baby. Now I'm a mom and trying to juggle the responsibilities of work, motherhood, and being a wife. I feel a bit stretched, to say the least.

Last night (I'm sure you all wanted to know this) I started my period for the first time in nearly eleven months. On a FRIDAY night. Yay- not so much. Thankfully I don't have monster cramps like I thought I would. I was wondering how long it would take to show up after giving birth. I'm still not back on bc, so it could be a while before AF resumes her regular schedule.

Anyway, Colton just turned seven weeks this past Thursday! He is becoming quite the charmer with his smiles and coos. He's almost sleeping through the night, too. He'll fall asleep about 7 or 8pm after a feeding, and wake up again around 4 the next morning! We had to buy bigger bottles because he's starting to take 6 oz. at a time now. He is one hungry hippo.

I need to wash some bigger size clothing for him, since it's pretty obvious he's growing, and also since the weather is getting cooler! I know he's not even two months old yet, but a lot of his 3-6 month outfits include long sleeves. There are a few that come with hoodies, which will keep him warm on these chilly autumn days.

I'm so glad fall has arrived. I can wear sweatshirts & sneakers again, and watch the leaves change colors. Time for chai lattes, apple pies, and pumpkins! Colton is too little this year to pick out his own pumpkin of course, but he will have his own Halloween costume made especially for him by Grandma Boonstra. We don't know yet what it'll be. I'm sure he will look adorable in it!

Here is my little angel:

It strikes me that he is so beautiful and yet the most disgusting things come out of him on a daily basis. I usually don't mind changing diapers, but this morning's was really icky. The happy little smiling bears on the Huggies wipes were blissfully unaware of the cruel fate that awaited them. How in a matter of seconds, they would meet Colton's bottom and smile no more. It's amazing how many wipes I need to go through in one changing because they're so inadequate at doing the job of removing what my husband calls "sludge". He's written quite a descriptive post about this over on our baby blog here.

Sometimes I am humbled and overwhelmed that God would choose to bless me with such a wonderful baby. I can't believe he's actually mine!

A Lazy Sunday

Here I am, enjoying my last day before going back to work. In a way, it seems like forever ago that I left to have a baby and in another, it's like no time has gone by at all. These past six weeks have definitely been challenging, but so rewarding too. I have loved being home with my son. I'm not sure how balancing work with raising a child is going to pan out yet. Plus taking care of all of the household responsibilities. I'm very fortunate to have a husband that helps out tremendously, though.

Hopefully someday I will be able to just stay at home full-time. When I imagined myself having kids, I was always at home with them while my husband went to work. I'd watch Sesame Street and Blues Clues with them in the morning while sneaking in a few house chores here and there, take them to the park in the afternoon, and have time to prepare a nice dinner which would be ready just in time for their dad's arrival home. As long as I can remember, I've always wanted to be a mom. I need to remember that even though I work full-time, I am still a mom!

I still get to see my beautiful baby boy every day and watch him achieve all his milestones. And it's not like I'll be chained to my office eight hours a day, five days a week. There are certain things I have to put in time for at the agency, and I need to make weekly visits to the kids' homes when they get home from school. Other than that, I can do progress notes, reports, and treatment plans from the comfort of my kitchen table! I'll still have plenty of hours in the day to spend with my little boy. I just need to keep telling myself that...

Switching topics, yesterday we got a visit from my sister and her husband. Valerie hadn't seen Colton since a few days after he was born. She brought a package of diapers and wipes for him, which was a very nice and practical gift! We seem to be going through those like there's no tomorrow. They spent a few hours with us and stayed for dinner & dessert. I'm so glad we only live about two hours from them so we can get together more often.

Here is a dose of Colton cuteness for the day:

He really isn't too fond of tummy time. Right after I took this picture, he started crying. :(