Spring is finally here!! Colton and I went for a walk yesterday afternoon after he woke up from his nap. I put on his sweatshirt and little shoes, strapped him in the stroller, and cleared a path through the maze of junk in the garage so we could get out, and we were off. We happen to live on a quiet, dead-end street which is great since there's very little traffic. As I pushed Colton along (oh how I love the Peg Perego Aria), I basked in the warm sunshine and breathed in the spring air. It felt wonderful after such a long, cold winter. I'm so glad we took advantage of the nice weather yesterday, because today is gray and drizzly.
Our walk reminded me of why I love that I'm able to stay home. I've been thinking lately about the importance of creating a stable, loving environment for my child(ren) to grow up in. While I go about the day taking care of the baby and house, my playlist usually plays on in the background, mostly consisting of long-forgotten songs I used to listen to in my youth. Songs that bring me back to a time of carefree days playing dolls and swinging on our backyard swing set, when I was still blissfully unaware of all the problems in my parents' marriage. Before I knew there was danger and evil in the world.
I find myself wanting to fiercely protect Colton from anything that might hurt him. I know that it's not realistic, but this is my mother's instinct. I pray every night, "Lord, please protect him from evil". I know there will come a time when my son will face the fact that this life isn't all lollipops and rainbows. There is danger and evil, the unfortunate by-product of the fallen world in which we live. While I can, as long as I can, I still want to shield him from harm. It's not entirely up to me though. I am not in total control; God is.
My prayers lately have been about asking, really begging, for God to give me wisdom and patience as a parent. Being a newbie mom, I am finding that I am so utterly broken and imperfect. My frustration has risen to heights I never knew it could, giving way sometimes to a temper that I'd rather soon forget is present. I surrender this ugly part of me to the Lord every day, before it gets the best of me. I know it could only get worse as Colton gets older and chooses to deliberately disobey me.
Nothing, nothing can really prepare you for entering parenthood. You can read all the books in the world on the subject, but the training comes on the job. I didn't have the best role models growing up either, so I was at a disadvantage from the start. I desperately don't want to make the same mistakes my parents made. However, I'll probably just end up making different ones.
I already suspect that my child will probably teach me more than I will ever teach him.