Thursday, April 30, 2009

Isolated

That's how I've been feeling lately. The drawback to staying at home full-time. Yesterday at least I was able to get out of the house with Colton and go for a walk since it was so nice out. Today, not so much. It's back down in the 50s again.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade being a SAHM for working 8 hours a day in some office and being away from my baby. It's just... a little lonely sometimes. I feel a bit like I'm in the movie "Groundhog Day" where every day is exactly the same. What makes this even harder is that I still don't have my own car. I do have friends I could call and hang out with, but I feel lame asking them to be the ones to always come over or pick me up to do something. The farthest I can go on my own is half a mile in either direction of our house. I can't run to the store for something. I can't meet up with a friend at the mall. I can't go to Bible Study every week because it's too far a walk. I can't even drop Colton off at my mother-in-law's for an hour or two while I get my nails done or something.

I love my son to pieces and wouldn't want to leave him in daycare if I could help it (which right now I can). It's just that I'm with him all. the. time. I feel like I need a break from the constant cycle of feeding, changing, screaming (and screaming some more). It's nerve wracking when Colton is crying or whining and I'm trying to get dinner made on time. Or fold laundry. Or clean the bathroom. Or talk on the phone.

It's frustrating when diaper changes turn into a wrestling match between the two of us. When he wakes up an hour early from his nap and won't stop screaming until I pick him up, and all the plans I had of actually doing something productive during that time go out the window.

The positive thing about being with Colton all the live long day, however, is that I know what he needs and when & how he needs it. Back when he was first born, I felt a lot like I kept being given an exam I hadn't studied for and knew for sure I was going to fail. And it was the most important exam of my life. Now, I can change a diaper and prepare a bottle in my sleep. I've realized that the knowledge I need to do this mothering thing well comes from watching and studying my son's cues, much more than reading any book. (Not that I can't learn anything from a well written book on parenting, or even another mother's blog for that matter).

I'm also still bummed about our church situation, my concerns about the nursery being what they are. We haven't gone to service in a few weeks, and I am not okay with that. We've talked about attending another church that we're interested in, a little farther away. But still, we're not entirely comfortable leaving Colton in their nursery where we don't know anybody. We could take him into the service with us and I'd leave if he got fussy, provided they have a crying room with the service actually broadcasted. Our current church has no such thing, unfortunately.

All these things combined have me feeling a little lost to be honest. Not to sound cliche, but becoming a mom has left me wondering just who I am anymore. I'm not the same person I was before having Colton. There was a definite line drawn on August 14, 2008 between the old me and the new me. For the longest time, I felt deeply that I was supposed to be a mother. I never really felt called to do anything else. It was going to be my great purpose in life.

But as I sit here, I wonder what great purpose there is in changing the 1500th diaper or preparing a bowl of cereal that will mostly end up either on my baby or on the highchair. I know, I know. All of this adds up to taking care of another human being so that he can thrive and grow up to become something great and eventually fulfill his purpose. And I'm staying home with him so that he won't be raised by somebody else. I know this, and yet it's hard to see through all the feedings, changings, tears, laundry and dishes.

1 comment:

Christina said...

***hugs*** to you Marisa! I remember my SAH days all too well and it could be very isolating. I remember sitting there feeding Timmy and feeling jealous of the moms who were at work interacting with other adults. It's a tough job, but we really wanted to keep T out of day care as long as we were able to. Hang in there. I'll be praying for you!